5/22/09

I think, today, when I thought of blogging, I knew what to say, but didn't really know how to start.  hm.

I used to wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't born into a Christian family.  I used to think that I would be, like, predestined for a conversion that ended with me converting a gajillion people or something relaated to that. 

Wrong. 

I think I might just end up being flippin turned off by Christianity.  I mean, so many other people are anyways.  They're sick and tired of us leading double lives-being a super thug at school while assuming a holier-than-thou idea by being role models and leaders at church.  And you know what? I am too.

I cannot help but feel utterly ashamed and disappointed at the people who are  role models at HOC5 (and other churches I guess but I don't really know since I haven't gone to other youth groups/churches in awhile) and talk about how God changed their week in these profound ways, lead worship like it's a recital or a concert, and, I don't know, but I think the picture is obvious-but at school and during the weekdays, they do things that would make you feel really surprised that they are regular church-goers. Now this applies to adults as well.  These kids have parents that serve at church, but it is just too obvious that they are only there to benefit for themselves. What happened to serving God as a unit? These people just piss me off so much that I'm not even surprised that HOC5 has such a low retention rate for people who graduate from high school. What a lack of genuinity.

I think it has gotten to the point where I am even too scared to invite people to my youth group or church because I am scared of them being so turned off by Christianity because of these people. I have not lost faith in my God, but I have definitely lost faith in my church. You know that statistic that say that half of all teens that regularly go to church/youth group don't even go during/after college? I wouldn't be surprised if, 10 years from now, I become part of that half.

I know that you're thinking, "Geez Ashley stop whining and DO something about it then." or "Oh, so you think you're perfect and therefore gets the right to judge us? Beezy pleez."

I would like to say I'm trying to find a solution or I'm trying to find the way between crazy zealot or total fake, but I can't.  The fact of the matter is, I'm probably as bad, if not worse, than all of those people I talked about above.  I know I'm a fatty hypocrite because, heck, I'm writing this huge rant about it right now! I don't do devotionals, I am really mean, and I swear when I'm super pissed.  I guess this whole thing stems from my own frustration and disgust at myself and my lack of motivation to change.

Crap. I don't even know how to end this. boo ramblings. now I really sound like a whiny blogger.